Slowly it is becoming clear that I will be attending college. For real. This is no joke. Me, almost 27 years old, people phobia havin', forgetful, procrastinating Christine. I MUST, absolutely MUST succeed this time. No excuses, no boo hooin. It's time I do something with my life. This crap of being a loser is getting old. I need to be the woman my kids think I am, the woman Josh and the kids deserve. I want to do good for others. I can, scratch that. I WILL do this. I have to. My babies are growing up and need me to help take care of them.

In the pooper

Sometimes I wonder why I even try. Why do I apply for jobs? Why do I make plans? Why do I try to get into school? Nothing ever works out like it is supposed to. I, of course, didn't pass the math section of the compass test. I feel stupid. I always think I understand what I am doing, yet never actually do. I am depressed thinking I won't get into to nursing. How am I supposed to help provide for my family and make them proud of me, if I can't even pass a damn math test? I am going to go waller in my self pity now.

So happy

I finally got to hang out with my best friend last night. We had a pretty good long talk about the things that have been going on. I hope that we are on our way to mending things. Had a good visit with everyone we saw. I think my girls were on the brinks of driving Bear to the looney bin. ;-)

Finally some rest

Last night Josh and I went to bed around 2 (he works til 12:15 am). We woke up (late of course) at 8:10. Rushed around like crazy people and went to watch Veggie Tales with my grandparents. The girls were really good through the movie. After that we had lunch at a Chinese restaurant where Brailey and I had this conversation:  Boo-I love Sesame Street chicken the best. Me-Sesame street chicken? Boo-Yes, its delicious.  We came home and walked the crazy mutts (dogs not our children). Laid down at like noon for "few minutes". Yeah... Woke up at 4! Woah. Guess us old folks were tired. Now we are heading to see some friends and fam in Joplin. Yup yup. Toodles ladies and gents.

Oh my sweet girl.

Miana-Mom how did my Castan die? Me-Umm. Well his organs stopped working. Miana-I should have checked on him. I should have took him out of his carseat. Instead I went to my bedroom because I wanted to. Me-Oh baby it is not your fault. No one could have saved him. It was his turn to go to heaven. Miana-Yeah well I don't like that. I want him here.

My heart hurts for my babies. I wish I could take their pain. Hearing them hurt is so completely crushing. Especially Miana thinking she could have saved her brother. I know all those cliches-"time will heal" and all that-but a 3 yr old should not be carrying such a burden on her tiny shoulders. She should be worrying about what dress to put on her Barbie dolls or what letter comes after D. I wish more than anything that I could have saved Castan because his sisters deserve to boss around their little brother. And because he deserved to pull their pigtails and play in the mud with his daddy. I miss that boy.

Hum diddly

Everyone is always telling me I need to write and tell our story. I decided to start up a blog to put my mind wanderings down. I'll be telling the boring day to day things. Then you will get to read about our shenanigans of course. And lastly I will have lots of Mianaisms for your enjoyment. Everyone seems to think (Miana especially so!) that the world should hear all of the things Miana comes up with. So shall it be.

I should warn you. I am the bluntest of the blunt blunters. I speak my mind. I may curse. I may vent. I may write sad heart wrenching feelings. Or I may just bs my way through a few paragraphs. The beauty of it is I CAN! Just as you can choose not to read it. :-) I do not apologize for who I am and nor should you.

I hope you enjoy laughing and crying with me as I go about this crazy thing I call life. And if you don't well tough luck.